by
Mark Ollig
A
final report by American Packets Regulating Internet Latency 1 (APRIL 1) has
convinced the US government to modify how its citizens access the Internet.
The
report is grim.
The
use of the Internet over high-speed, and ultra-fast broadband networks using
fiber optics, coaxial, satellites, microwaves, mobile cellular, and even Wi-Fi,
is causing critical data packet fragmentation. This is resulting in the loss of
the Internet’s binary 1 and 0 bits inside the encoding structure. The binary
data’s individual blocks are unable to reach their destinations due to
unforeseen latency, resulting in cases of router corruption. The datagrams
simply cannot keep up with the torrent bit streams,” said the report.
“The
early 1970s designed Internet Protocols (TCP/IP) software for managing the flow
of binary 1s and 0s communicating on a computer over the Internet, is slowly
deteriorating as it travels through today’s ultra-fast broadband networks – the
binary code just can’t keep up the pace,” said Dr. Paul “Pulse” Codemodulation.
The
loss of 1s and 0s occurring in the Internet bit stream has been confirmed by
Ima “Binary” C. Reader, who monitors the flow of data bits sent over the
Internet from an undisclosed location in Las Vegas.
Speaking
before the House Subcommittee on Responsible Binary Use last Friday, Citizens
for Accountable Internet Speeds said, “We are leading the charge to get America
back to sensible, safer, and consistently slower Internet speeds by reducing
the time binary code travels over the network.”
This
columnist feels one way to save and recycle lost binary data bits, is by
catching them in specially designed software bit buckets, as they drop off from
the network.
Experts
in modemology have spoken out and agree after reviewing various algorithmic
simulations the only sensible, logical course is to proceed immediately with a
nation-wide conversion of using no faster than 1,200 bps (bits-per-second)
modems.
“If
we go faster than 1,200 bps, we risk losing binary 1s and 0s. This we cannot
allow to happen. However, in time, it is believed using 9,600 bps modems, with
proper hardware buffering and echo-cancellation will be allowed,” stated
Professor Hex A. Decimal, who holds a doctorate in binary and base 16 studies.
He teaches at the Bits and Bytes research center, headquartered in Minnesota.
Not
everyone is happy with the change.
“This
is an Internet conspiracy! Everyone knows 1,200 bps is actually 300 baud. How
can I watch YouTube videos through a 300 baud modem on my new iMac?” exclaimed
Émile Baudot, as he sipped his latté at a local coffee house.
“One
thousand two hundred bps ought to be enough for anyone!” scoffed Bill Gatesly,
owner of MicroSoftly Modems Inc.
US
government officials have announced full Internet network conversion to dial-up
modem lines beginning in cities using the greatest number of 1s and 0s in their
high-speed data streams.
Anonymous
reports say a government program; similar to the one used when digital to
analog TV converter boxes were supplied to citizens, will begin soon.
Homes’
and businesses’ high-speed Internet termination boxes will need to be replaced
with new, US government-approved 1,200 bps analog modems, manufactured
exclusively by MicroSoftly Modems Inc.
All
fiber optical cables used for the Internet will be removed and recycled. New
copper cable facilities will be installed as needed.
An
Internet user will be required to connect their new analog modem to the copper
cable line before plugging in a standard 4-conductor modular line cord from the
modem to an RJ11C/USB converter stick on their computer.
Makers
of all mobile Internet access devices, smart phones, and computing tablets have
agreed to replace their internal Wi-Fi and cellular digital packet data
chipsets, with new analog 1,200 bps “mini-modems” provided by MicroSoftly
Modems Inc.
Many
Internet video watchers argue the new, slower data speeds will essentially
prohibit streaming video and television from being broadcast over the Internet.
“Why
use the Internet for TV or movie viewing? We should return to transmitting
reliable, analog over-the-air signals to analog-receiving- only television sets
for receiving these broadcasts,” asserted a spokesperson from the Philo
Farnsworth TV Preservation Society.
Concern
is not just with video being broadcast over the Internet.
“The
US must remove Internet digital audio broadcasting from these overly-fast,
bit-robbing, high-speed networks. It’s time to return to the basics with
over-the-air amplitude modulation. Let’s go back to using analog crystal radio
sets, instead of energy-wasting integrated circuit components. Also, crystal
radios have no need for a battery or other power source,” read a statement from
the local chapter of the Cat’s Whisker Receiver Rebels.
Others
feel we should reverse course, and scrap analog modems and the Internet
altogether by rebuilding the original US telegraph network, and connect it to
every city from coast to coast.
“Hey,
the telegraph system uses those fancy coded signals too!” exclaimed one
enthusiastic telegraph supporter.
Breaking
News:
Sources
have informed this columnist that US officials misread the APRIL 1 report, and
now have no plans to “reverse course” and replace broadband networks, or any
other high-speed technology used to access the Internet.
So,
loyal readers, we will not need to revert back to dial-up modems connected to
analog phone lines as we once did when accessing CompuServe, Prodigy, AOL, or
hobby computer bulletin board systems.
I
hope you enjoyed reading this April Fools’ Day column written especially for
you.
