by
Mark A. Ollig
Six
years ago, one of my faithful readers asked me to investigate a question she
had about Santa Claus.
Jessica
wrote “Does Santa use a computer?”
She
also asked if I could provide the answer before Christmas Day.
Being
not one to disappoint, I emailed my entire list of elf contacts at the North
Pole, hoping one would get back to me before this newspaper’s holiday deadline.
To
my surprise, one game elf did reply.
And
who was this accommodating gnome?
As
some of you may remember, his name was Finarfin Elendil.
The
following is what I wrote (with present-day revisions) to Jessica.
Dear
Jessica, Santa Claus does indeed use a computer.
In
fact, the smiling, well-nourished, red-cheeked, jolly old man with the white
beard, is extremely computer-savvy.
During
the Christmas off-season, the elves, along with Santa, attend computer training
classes.
Don’t
tell anyone, but one of Santa’s elves, Finarfin Elendil, provided me with the
inside scoop about the computer and advanced technology Santa uses.
Santa’s
main computer is known as the “Santa Claus Super Computer” (SCSC).
It
is located near the North Pole’s largest toy-making factory.
The
SCSC is the world’s most powerful (and very top-secret) computer.
The
building where Santa’s computer is located is made of special metals, rendering
it undetectable from all earth-orbiting satellites, high-altitude surveillance
aircraft, and even the omnidirectional camera’s used atop Google Maps Street
View cars.
Finarfin
Elendil described to me how Santa’s computer’s digital data-stream is
algorithmically encrypted, using advanced transmission control protocol
signaling techniques processed through an optical-fiber bus star topology
within the North Pole’s local area computing network.
Santa
rarely mentions this computer when he’s out in public.
Not
far from where Santa’s main computer is located is Sleigh Hangar Bay One, which
houses Santa’s top-secret, high-tech sleigh he sometimes uses for delivering
Christmas presents when he’s in a hurry.
This
special sleigh is called Sleigh One.
I
learned Sleigh One is not your average wooden snow toboggan.
Indeed,
Sleigh One is a fully computerized, low-earth orbiting bobsled using advanced
stealth technology, and is made of special space-age materials known only to
Santa and NASA.
Sleigh
One is spacious; offering Santa, the reindeer, and the elves plenty of leg
room.
Its
on-board guidance computer receives in-flight coordinates from earth-orbiting
satellites using enhanced global positioning system technology.
The
MPR (miles per reindeer), is conveniently displayed on Sleigh One’s digital
instrumentation panel.
Santa
was said to have chuckled when he discovered the elves had installed
self-refilling eggnog cups next to their seats on Sleigh One.
Sleigh
One receives updated “toy-inventory-remaining” Twitter telemetry and
“who’s-naughty-or-nice” text-messaging reports from the air-traffic controller
elves broadcasting from Santa’s headquarters at the North Pole.
Sleigh
One is said to communicate with the North Pole using encrypted radio frequency
uplinks somewhere in the 26.5GHz to 40 GHz Ka spectrum range.
Elf
rumor has it Santa may be installing a new mobile communications network using
5G broadband transceivers by 2020.
Not
long ago, a few of Santa’s circuit design engineering elves developed and
manufactured the classified E1 (Elf-1) Virtual Unlimited-iCore Super-Fast
processor chip.
The
E1 can process information at a speed of one centillion (1 followed by 303
zeros) FLOPS (floating operations per second).
Finarfin
Elendil boasted how circuit design engineers from major computer chip-making
companies are constantly calling the North Pole and asking the elves for
advice.
Santa
uses the E1’s incredible processing speed to instantly map the exact
coordinates of every rooftop and chimney throughout the world.
If
a particular home has no chimney, the E1 will automatically execute and upload
to Sleigh One, a special “backdoor” software program which provides an
alternate entry solution so Santa can get the Christmas presents delivered.
Finarfin
Elendil confirmed this year’s Christmas Eve reindeer sleigh team will be
comprised of Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blixen.
Because
of his extremely shiny red nose, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer has once again
been chosen by Santa to guide the mighty reindeer sleigh team around the world
on Christmas Eve.
In
the event of a navigational emergency, Sleigh One has a reliable, guidance
program on standby.
It’s
called the Automatic Assistance Reindeer Pilot (AARP).
Sleigh
One can also travel at the speed of light.
Rudolph
originally wanted Sleigh One to fly faster than the speed of light, so he could
show off in front of the other reindeer, but Santa nixed the idea.
Santa
explained going faster than the speed of light would cause the bright,
fog-piercing, red beam of light extending from Rudolph’s nose to bend and shine
behind the sleigh, instead of in front of it.
Santa
revealed this would cause a reverse time-line anomaly, triggering a space-time
continuum vortex; causing children’s Christmas presents to be delivered years
before they were born.
Rest
assured Jessica, your Christmas presents will be delivered in a sleigh
traveling well within our space-time continuum’s speed of light safety limits.
I
hope Jessica (and all of you) enjoyed reading this story as much as I did
writing it.
And
let’s remember, the word “Christmas” comes from the very old phrase, “Cristes
maesse” which means “Christ’s Mass.”
Dec.
25, Christmas Day, is when Christians all over the world celebrate the birth of
Jesus Christ.
I
wish all of my readers
(and especially to you, mom)
a very Merry Christmas.