© Mark Ollig
On Dec. 22, 2008, I wrote a special Christmas column about a young person named Jessica who asked a question about Santa Claus.
I remember my mother enjoying that column, and in her memory, I am republishing it today with a few modifications.
The column started with Jessica asking, “Does Santa Claus use a computer?”
All right, Jessica, I emailed my list of North Pole contacts and found one elf from Santa’s North Pole Toy Workshop who investigated your question.
Finarfin Elendil moonlights as a freelance journalist with the North Pole Frosty newspaper during the Christmas offseason.
He informed me that the jolly old elf with a white beard, a broad face, and a little round belly that shook when he laughed like a bowl full of jelly is very computer savvy.
The computer located at the Claus Computer Center (CCC) is cleverly concealed beneath the North Pole’s main toy-making factory. According to Elendil, it oversees the operation of Santa’s key toy production facilities.
The CCC uses state-of-the-art North Pole (NP) quantum computer technology to analyze the wish lists submitted by Santa effectively.
Sophisticated software ensures that gifts for all the good girls and boys are processed quickly, streamlining delivery routes to ensure smooth and timely delivery of toys using Santa’s airborne sled, code-named Sleigh-One.
Sleigh-One is more than a flying wooden toboggan; it features an onboard mini-computer networked in real time with the CCC, providing Santa with up-to-date information.
A 3D holographic display on Sleigh-One shows Global Positioning System data.
One display monitors the reindeer’s speed and altitude, in MPR (miles per reindeer) of Sleigh-One’s reindeer-powered output of Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blixen, and, of course, because of his bright, shiny red nose, Rudolph, the “Red-Nosed Reindeer,” is officially designated by Santa as “Reindeer One.”
Sleigh-One also features another display that shows the number of presents delivered along with cup holders Santa and Mrs. Claus (when traveling with him) use to hold their eggnog.
The telemetry data it receives from the CCC maps and computes the coordinates for every rooftop fireplace worldwide that Santa descends into to deliver presents.
Elendil explained if a home doesn’t have a chimney, Santa’s computer kicks into gear and activates the “back door” software program using magical algorithms for Christmas present deliveries.
Of course, there can be glitches.
One time, Elendil reported the software program filled a neighbor’s refrigerator with pickled herring and even filled a chimney with fruitcake! But now, he said, everything works perfectly.
When I was a child, one of my favorite Christmas TV specials was “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer,” which first aired back in 1964.
One highlight of the special was Christmas Eve when a major blizzard hit the North Pole.
Santa realized he could not navigate his reindeer sleigh through the storm, leading him to consider canceling Christmas.
However, a young reindeer named Rudolph had a very bright red nose that would, as Santa said, “cut through the murkiest storm they can dish up.”
That Christmas Eve, as the doors to the North Pole’s Toy Workshop opened, the heavy blowing snow rushed towards Sleigh-One, which was ready to deliver presents throughout the world.
Santa: “Ready, Rudolph?”
Rudolph: “Ready, Santa!”
Santa: “Well, let’s be on our way. OK, Rudolph. Full power!”
Returning to Jessica’s question, Elendil reported the North Pole’s supercomputer confirmed that there are approximately 131 million households in the U.S.
The world’s population is nearly 8 billion, with homes scattered across 196.9 million square miles of Earth’s surface.
Further calculations, taking into account densely populated areas, reveal an average distance of 0.1 miles between homes.
To deliver all the Christmas presents in a single night, Sleigh-One averages a cruising speed of nearly 1.3 million miles per hour!
Elendil shared the story of when Dasher asked Santa if the sleigh could travel the speed of light, which would be 186,000 miles per second and 671 million miles per hour.
Santa explained that if he traveled that fast, Rudolph’s nose light would trail behind the sleigh like a comet’s tail, and they would enter a time warp, traveling backward in time and delivering presents before Christmas.
Therefore, instead of reaching light speed, they used a specially designed sleigh equipped with magical transwarp-time drive capabilities.
Well, Jessica, I hope you found this story fun to read; I sure enjoyed writing it.
Christmas originates from the Old English phrase “Cristes maesse,” meaning “Christ’s Mass.” This phrase first appeared in historical documents around 1038 AD. It evolved into the Middle English “Christemasse” and the modern “Christmas.”
As we grow older and face the challenges life presents, it’s important to hold onto the magical memories of Christmas — even amid our challenges, there is still room for wonder and joy.
I wish you all a very Merry Christmas.
I created the image using the Meta AI artificial intelligence program (AI Imagined), which
generated the image based on my text prompts.
